Its Been a While

Over the last several months many things have changed in my life; I moved (again), Taylor turned 3, I started a new job, and I think I may be falling into an actual relationship.

We will start with what I didn’t do on new years. I never set any real resolutions! After mulling it over for the last few weeks I think I have a few goals that are attainable in the course of 2009.
1. Quit smoking – FOR GOOD! – this is something I have struggled with for the last few years. I do not have the self control or rather I choose not to have the self control to do some of the most basic things to make my life better and to feel better both physically and emotionally. When it comes down to it two things put this into pwlerspective for me. First this girl that I really like will not date a smoker, with good reason, it is nasty habbit. Second, and the most important, my daughter knows I smoke, and she looked at me the other day and said “Daddy, you need to quit smoking.” which hit me like a ton of bricks. So that’s it I smoked the last cigarette in my posession about 30 minutes ago. Next is the few days of withdrawl and then the freedom (and extra money saved) of not being bound to a nicotine addiction for the rest of my life.
2. As of today I weigh 240 pounds. The most I have ever weighed and more than I ever want to weigh again. part of my lack of getting into shape has been not being able to breath due to my smoking. Starting in the morning I plan to do a few sit ups and a few push ups to get me started and work my way into a full routine over then next few weeks. My goal is 210 by summer.
3. I have been putting off getting back in school for long enough. I’m starting right away by taking some continuing education classes to improve my computer application knowledge and forcing myself to learn new skills outside of IT, just incase my job gets cut in the failing economy.
4. I have come to terms that I do not control my money well at all. I am already starting to revise my lifestyle to make the money I have work for me and of course my daughter. Buying in bulk to save trips to that god awful place called walmart, where so much money is spent on the useless items. Possibly taking on a second job for a while to pay off bills and find nice piece of propert or a small house in Clinton or Fulton or maybe Morrison for Tay and I.
5. Finally I commit to following through on these resolutions no matter what happens in my life to detur me.

I ask for support and help from all my friends and family to complete my goals and make 2009 a great turning point in my life.

Thought Panic

this perverbial life dawns in the gray skies of tommorow
dieing to a new day of oblique obscurity
as the pleasures of yestersay find solice in the abyss of the blank stare of fate.

should i rise in midnight my spirit leaving my body
i would leave all that is dissapointment thriving behind me
to consume the corpse which is called my body.

fate stares me dead
in the mind yelling threats of tarnished waste upon my body and constipation of my mind.
i sleep as if death were upon me
i wake to see a new day consume me in drury angst.

Death by Love

death becomes my mindless mess
deavouring my every thought
my thoughts converge on loss
loss that haunts my every joyous rememberance
hurt that bleeds black into every corner of my broken soul

i fear i will lose one that i love
i fear that will will never love the one for me
i fear that i will never see a golden sunrise
or a purple sunset
i feer the scent of this world will die in my nostrils
and the sounds in my ears fade without warning

No life is complete without loss
No death complete without dying
Only I can say I have no regrets
If only it were true

I have never truely loved a partner without malice
I have never let the gulf sweep me out to sea
I have never recorded my thoughts with melody and rythm
I have never been real with myself

Do not let one more day pass without love
Do not let one more night pass with out peace
Never take your mind for granted
You will not know when it has abandoned you
Give yourself up to your convictions
And find joy in every moment of your freedom
One day it will all be gone

In tirany or death I will be me
In fear or oppression I will press on
In peace or eternal sleep I will leave my thoughts on this earth to fuel the minds and inspire the hearts of my predacessors

Die peacefully in the arms of the one you love
Live joyfully in the prison we call our bodies
Never let your life slip away in a cloud of smoke
As smoke it will disapate before you can catch it

In loving memory to those who have passed before me and those who will pass after me
Dont be afraid of the words I Love You

Life in Maddness

Lost inside this box
My marionettor dangling my life
Between the edge of madness and insanity
I drive my fleating strenth
To bear the weight of open wounds
My enless hunger tearing me apart

I cant control
My endless glances
To behold
Another body
cloaked in agony
crumpled in the corner

My marionettor dances on
Yet I am still
My heart not beating
I fear the worst for both of us
My endless glances
The body in the corner
Of the box im lost in

This wooden shell
My broken body
Heart not beating
It never has
Im just a doll
Shes just a doll
lying in the corner
of the box I call my world
that holds me on the brink of madness
Insanity keeping me sane
quiet fueling the voices
that scream my name
over and over and over and over again

I yell but nothing comes out
I scream yet I cannot hear it
my strings are broken
my pain will not cease
Im just a doll in a box that will never let me out

Im just a puppet
and the marrionettor has clipped my strings
dancing into the star light
rejoicing that my body is crumpled in a corner
just like her
my heart never beat before
why should it now
im a wooden doll
broken beyond repair
dashed on the rocks of my makers insanity
closed inside my box
dead, dying, breathing, beating, living
I am alive and my box holds my secrets
my box holds my shame, my tears, my convictions
all hidden and safe in my insanity
my madness that consumes me
my fate
life and death in a box with cut strings and broken, faded wood.
nothing can bring me to life but my marrionettors hands
cruel and gentle
stern and forgiving
live on…