Posts Tagged ‘ heal ’

Writing

I have been doing alot of writing the last week or so, just not on here. I have been keeping busy. The job hunt is going and ADM knows I’m looking. Have been getting alot done around my place. My uncle put trees in my front and back yard a few weeks ago, then started on the fence which should be done in the next couple days! I ripped a closet out of my basement in preparation for the up coming remodel/finishing of the basement. Started designing the wiring plans to rewire the house when we start framing, luckily I don’t think I will have make any changes to the piping. Other than frame around some pipes. The wiring will be lots of fun, the way the house is wired now is one big cluster f*#%. So each room is going to be rewired, which will take some time but I’m going to do it right, damnit!

So there hasn’t been much else going on that I want to rant about on here. All I can say is I miss her and wish she would come back to me. I’m going to go shower and off to bed!

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Serenity

Over the past months I have been determined to make her love me and it just doesn’t work that way. I pampered and tried to impress. I begged and pleaded. I drove myself nuts denying the fact that I will never change her feelings. So I digress. I love her enough to let her go and live her life and be happy with whomever can fulfill her wants and desires. It makes me sad but I also realize that it will benefit both of us to be who we both need to be.

None of this affects how much I love my daughter. I live to help her grow and become a woman that will be happy tallented and successful as she ages and matures. She is only five but she shows the maturity far beyond her years. Except when she throws a fit because she doesn’t get what she wants, children will be children, and that is why I must love her unconditionally and train her to be a moral and well rounded woman.

I am sorry that I could not be the man that her mother could love. I threw that away years ago. I regret it but at the same time I don’t. I would not be the man I am now if I would have not gone through the hardships I have gone through over the course of my life. I thank all who have helped and hurt me over the course of my life, and IĀ apologizeĀ to all of those I have hurt. No one should ever be treated the way I and so many other people have taken advantage of the ones closest to them, Leaving a trail of tears in their path.

I read a very sad story a couple days ago that made me think about my life in, not so much a new light, but think about those who I have affected over the course of my life and how I can change to make this world a better place and have a more positive effect on the people around me. Bill Zeller was just another man, but was harmed so horribly as a child he could not see the world around him or communicate with the people that could have changed his life. I pray that God would have mercy on his broken soul and give him peace in the afterlife. No one should ever have to endure a life as he did. I do not condone his actions but I do not know what I would have done in his situation.

http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

It is time to move on to a new chapter of life. I vow to be the father that will always love his children and be the one they will always love and respect. I pray that God will help heal my heart and be able to be a full devoted husband and lover to whomever He puts in my life in the future.

I plan on making my online journal much more active in 2011.