Posts Tagged ‘ life ’

Lost in the Echo

I life losing its appeal? Why do things seem to fall apart and disappoint all at once? The band is in turmoil again due to the ego and stupidity of our singer. School is a struggle everyday. I made the mistake of taking classes on campus this semester and it is causing a lot of stress between school and my work schedule. I am definitely looking forward to dropping my English class next week, I am way behind and don’t want to risk my GPA over an entry level class, I would rather redo it. I am thinking about changing my major as well and just going for the associates degree to start out. I will get my degree in networking and then start on my admin certs and the gen eds that I will need to get my bachelors. I am very burnt out. There is never time to relax unless I drop something…I still have the basement to work on at the house, the apartment to work on in Clinton, and the porch to turn into a bedroom for Tay in my apartment. Its not getting any warmer out so I better get started, soon. Then there is the lack of a woman in my life, enough said. Finally I have been sacrificing my time with Tay to try to catch up on work I don’t get done during the week, she is not getting any younger. For the first time she chose to not stay with me over the weekend. She said maybe next weekend. It hurts a little. I don’t love her any less but I miss her. It sucks that her mother decided to ban me from having anything to do with their family, but its life. I pay my child support, provide insurance for Tay, and spend as much time as schedules permit. Ohh well enough complaining. Tomorrow I have another interview with RHT & SMG we’ll see how it goes but Im not sure about the whole situation.



I wish I could say I like being alone but I can’t. If I liked it I wouldn’t keep myself so busy. I poured my heart out Saturday night to no avail. I still ended up right where I started. Though I did make some friends on the way. Possibly some enemies too. Which is too bad.

But anyway today wasn’t too bad. It went fairly smooth and quick. Once I got home I finally moved the lumber that was stacked in the drive way to the basement. Hopefully tomorrow I can get the debris from the closet hauled out and get some more wiring done. I really hope we don’t find much that needs repairing while trying to frame up the rooms in the basement. This feels like its taking forever to get started but it will be worth the time and effort.


I have been doing alot of writing the last week or so, just not on here. I have been keeping busy. The job hunt is going and ADM knows I’m looking. Have been getting alot done around my place. My uncle put trees in my front and back yard a few weeks ago, then started on the fence which should be done in the next couple days! I ripped a closet out of my basement in preparation for the up coming remodel/finishing of the basement. Started designing the wiring plans to rewire the house when we start framing, luckily I don’t think I will have make any changes to the piping. Other than frame around some pipes. The wiring will be lots of fun, the way the house is wired now is one big cluster f*#%. So each room is going to be rewired, which will take some time but I’m going to do it right, damnit!

So there hasn’t been much else going on that I want to rant about on here. All I can say is I miss her and wish she would come back to me. I’m going to go shower and off to bed!

A While

So I haven’t posted in a while and alot has happened. Life has gotten so much better since march 19th the night I met Kristen Pell. My band, Creamery Road, played at Denny O’s in Fulton. We got done and Taylor wanted to stay at my mom’s house that night so I stayed out with the band and sat down with one of my guitarists. He was talking to Deb, Kristen’s mom and Kristen was sitting next to her. I saw her and immediately thought she was cute. Long story short we ended up talking and hanging out all night. I didn’t have the guts to ask her out face to face and she wanted to buy me a drink because I bout her one earlier. I told her no but if she would go on a date with me we’d call it even. She said yes. We went out that next Thursday night and I completely fell in love. On the 28th I asked her to be my girlfriend, I felt like I was in high school again, but its the best question I ever asked.

So it has been a little overall month since I asked her and I am so happy. She is the most important person in my life, other than my daughter, and I am so greatful that I met her.

Right now I am sitting on the beach in Maui, HI thinking about her and wishing that she was with me to see this. We started in Honolulu last Saturday and flew to Maui on Tuesday. I miss her so much but am enjoying the trip. It is beautiful here and one day would love to bring her here.

The one thing that is a constant thought is I love her with every part of me. Words don’t describe the feeling.g and attachment I have for her. Life is seriously amazing. That a smart, beautiful woman like her could love a broken man like me.

I am blessed and thankful for it. I love you Kristen.

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Much Better :)

I feel much better today. I had to vent my emotions or I thought I would crack and lose altitude. She doesn’t scare easily and she understands the way I think. It wasn’t just my insecurity bothering me yesterday. It was other things but today I’m fine. I will deal with the consequences of my choices, though in my mind I made the right choice and I know my immediate family agrees and many close friends. Only a few people know what I’m talking about and I want to keep it that way, but my blog is my “diary” so to speak and this is my therapy. The way I pour out my heart to binary code (rather than paper).

Tonight I have band practice with Creamery Road. A country/classic rock band from my hometown. One of my friends asked me to try out playing bass with them and it has worked out very well so far! It is another form of release for me where my heart and soul pours out in music through my fingers. Every Wednesday I can preverbaly slit my wrists and drain myself all over the floor. Everything came together very quick and smooth, I just fit in place.

Today is my 3rd day of Jimmy Johns instead of fast food for lunch. Still not doing well on the bad food at night, but in the morning and noon I am doing well. Next I have to start working out and try to kick smoking. If I can get a good workout regiment going on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturday I should be able to drop another 15-20 lbs in no time. Size 36 pants here I come !!! 🙂

So the Chapter Ends and a New Chapter Begins

For the last few weeks I have been in a battle of wills with my mind, heart, feelings, and soul. I do not yet know the victor as the battle rages on. My heart belongs to a love that I threw away years ago. My feelings are tattered and torn. My mind befuddled by the actions of the aforementioned beings. Finally my soul cries in a corner, beaten and bloody from the anguish of my own undoing. I write these pages not to spill my thoughts upon paper, but to release my eternally burdened mind of thoughts that cannot be spoken aloud to the closest of my peers.

Twas a dark, cold night that I did hear the howling of fallen angels echoing between my ears. No other could hear the haunting cries as my ears did bleed and my eye doth cried. As I cowered in a corner chanting faint prayers beneath my breath. I felt warmth below my shirt pulsing inside my chest. A stream of light broke forth through the silky woven shirt and a calm fell upon my so unsettled mind. In that moment my conundrum seemed to vanish like a puff of smoke in the wind of early spring. My heart exposed and pulsing yet not bleeding a single drop. I stood and peered into a mirror my mouth agape and face pale. A small dove came forth from inside my very being singing songs of love and comfort while my eyes began to weep. I stared into that mirror as my heart the color of stone began to fade the slightest gray and then turn a sort of orange. It warmed the room with steady ease as it turned a healthy pink before transforming to a bold blood red as life began to shape. My vision cleared as silence fell when calm filled my gut. I walked about touching inside out my chest that had just split. Whole once more I burst out the door and ran for joy my life was again whole.

I write in stream of consciousness. It does not always make sense but I just let the words flow from my fingers to the keys.

I’m in the middle of a nasty break up and the realization that my daughter’s mother will never be able to love me again. Its been a little of 5 years since we were together but my heart still longs for her. She’s had it all this time and I don’t want her to give it back. I knew that I would never get her back, but part of me screams to never give up. Every woman I have been with since my daughter was born has just never been enough. They don’t meet my standard, whatever my standard is, I don’t know. I don’t have a heart to give to another woman and the woman that has it will never love me. I don’t know what to do, say, or whatever to change things. I have nothing more to say. I am a broken man and lost to all that I thought I was…

i just told her the real reason she hurt me so bad
that while she was so busy digging up my past on a daily basis she dug up all the old feelings i have for my ex that were tucked away so nicely in their little coffin in my heart
and then she proceeded to pop each on like a baloon
in the middle of a childrens party
imagine watching your balloons get popped by the clown ur parents hired to entertain you
with a malicious grin on his face, laughing like he just beat a puppy and cooked a kitten in a microwave
she took whatever shred of love i had left to give and threw it back in my face