Posts Tagged ‘ loss ’

Writing

I have been doing alot of writing the last week or so, just not on here. I have been keeping busy. The job hunt is going and ADM knows I’m looking. Have been getting alot done around my place. My uncle put trees in my front and back yard a few weeks ago, then started on the fence which should be done in the next couple days! I ripped a closet out of my basement in preparation for the up coming remodel/finishing of the basement. Started designing the wiring plans to rewire the house when we start framing, luckily I don’t think I will have make any changes to the piping. Other than frame around some pipes. The wiring will be lots of fun, the way the house is wired now is one big cluster f*#%. So each room is going to be rewired, which will take some time but I’m going to do it right, damnit!

So there hasn’t been much else going on that I want to rant about on here. All I can say is I miss her and wish she would come back to me. I’m going to go shower and off to bed!

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Serenity

Over the past months I have been determined to make her love me and it just doesn’t work that way. I pampered and tried to impress. I begged and pleaded. I drove myself nuts denying the fact that I will never change her feelings. So I digress. I love her enough to let her go and live her life and be happy with whomever can fulfill her wants and desires. It makes me sad but I also realize that it will benefit both of us to be who we both need to be.

None of this affects how much I love my daughter. I live to help her grow and become a woman that will be happy tallented and successful as she ages and matures. She is only five but she shows the maturity far beyond her years. Except when she throws a fit because she doesn’t get what she wants, children will be children, and that is why I must love her unconditionally and train her to be a moral and well rounded woman.

I am sorry that I could not be the man that her mother could love. I threw that away years ago. I regret it but at the same time I don’t. I would not be the man I am now if I would have not gone through the hardships I have gone through over the course of my life. I thank all who have helped and hurt me over the course of my life, and I apologize to all of those I have hurt. No one should ever be treated the way I and so many other people have taken advantage of the ones closest to them, Leaving a trail of tears in their path.

I read a very sad story a couple days ago that made me think about my life in, not so much a new light, but think about those who I have affected over the course of my life and how I can change to make this world a better place and have a more positive effect on the people around me. Bill Zeller was just another man, but was harmed so horribly as a child he could not see the world around him or communicate with the people that could have changed his life. I pray that God would have mercy on his broken soul and give him peace in the afterlife. No one should ever have to endure a life as he did. I do not condone his actions but I do not know what I would have done in his situation.

http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

It is time to move on to a new chapter of life. I vow to be the father that will always love his children and be the one they will always love and respect. I pray that God will help heal my heart and be able to be a full devoted husband and lover to whomever He puts in my life in the future.

I plan on making my online journal much more active in 2011.

So the Chapter Ends and a New Chapter Begins

For the last few weeks I have been in a battle of wills with my mind, heart, feelings, and soul. I do not yet know the victor as the battle rages on. My heart belongs to a love that I threw away years ago. My feelings are tattered and torn. My mind befuddled by the actions of the aforementioned beings. Finally my soul cries in a corner, beaten and bloody from the anguish of my own undoing. I write these pages not to spill my thoughts upon paper, but to release my eternally burdened mind of thoughts that cannot be spoken aloud to the closest of my peers.

Twas a dark, cold night that I did hear the howling of fallen angels echoing between my ears. No other could hear the haunting cries as my ears did bleed and my eye doth cried. As I cowered in a corner chanting faint prayers beneath my breath. I felt warmth below my shirt pulsing inside my chest. A stream of light broke forth through the silky woven shirt and a calm fell upon my so unsettled mind. In that moment my conundrum seemed to vanish like a puff of smoke in the wind of early spring. My heart exposed and pulsing yet not bleeding a single drop. I stood and peered into a mirror my mouth agape and face pale. A small dove came forth from inside my very being singing songs of love and comfort while my eyes began to weep. I stared into that mirror as my heart the color of stone began to fade the slightest gray and then turn a sort of orange. It warmed the room with steady ease as it turned a healthy pink before transforming to a bold blood red as life began to shape. My vision cleared as silence fell when calm filled my gut. I walked about touching inside out my chest that had just split. Whole once more I burst out the door and ran for joy my life was again whole.

I write in stream of consciousness. It does not always make sense but I just let the words flow from my fingers to the keys.

I’m in the middle of a nasty break up and the realization that my daughter’s mother will never be able to love me again. Its been a little of 5 years since we were together but my heart still longs for her. She’s had it all this time and I don’t want her to give it back. I knew that I would never get her back, but part of me screams to never give up. Every woman I have been with since my daughter was born has just never been enough. They don’t meet my standard, whatever my standard is, I don’t know. I don’t have a heart to give to another woman and the woman that has it will never love me. I don’t know what to do, say, or whatever to change things. I have nothing more to say. I am a broken man and lost to all that I thought I was…

UPDATE:
i just told her the real reason she hurt me so bad
that while she was so busy digging up my past on a daily basis she dug up all the old feelings i have for my ex that were tucked away so nicely in their little coffin in my heart
and then she proceeded to pop each on like a baloon
in the middle of a childrens party
imagine watching your balloons get popped by the clown ur parents hired to entertain you
with a malicious grin on his face, laughing like he just beat a puppy and cooked a kitten in a microwave
she took whatever shred of love i had left to give and threw it back in my face