So Im laying in bed thinking about things I try to avoid. Thinking hurts my brain too much. First this blog has become more of an online journal than what I intended which means I should probably create an IT blog somewhere else to keep them seperate, but anyways. I cant help but realize over the last couple of months my life has gone in a constantly convulsing spiral of insanity.
To start my daughter is becoming a little hellion! She is past the cute stage of fits and crying over spilt milk. She is quickly becoming the spitting image of me when I was that age and I dont know how my parents didnt kill me. I love her with all my heart, but there are some days I just cant take her on top of all the other shit that holds my feelings on the floor suffocating me. Since my lungs have air and my heart keeps beeting I know I’m not dying, even though sometimes I wish I would. Though I know I have much more to do on this earth and if I die now i would be going to that shit hole where no one thinks they will ever end up going even though the majority of this world is making a B line for those sut caked gates of doom. Anyway, way off the subject. I love my daughter and would do anything for her but I dont know how to get her to listen.
I like my job, but I feel very inadequate. I know I make a difference there, but I want to be more. I need to get back in school and get a degree of some sort. I want so much and I know I could refine myself to the highest level if I only had the means. By means I mean money. I cant get a school loan till my old loans are paid off and I cant pay off my old loans when I am drownding in debt well at least for how old I am. If I had equity I could consolidate by thats not an option. I want to be an IT guru, not an IT half whit. But I also want to practice and know the law, and I want to be able to disect a mans brain and put it back together making my patient 100000000 times smarter just by defragging and optimizing his/her brain, but that would take knowledge in more fields that I can comprehend. If life were so easy….
Have you ever thought long and hard about your life? Have you ever considered the unthinkable more than the logical? It seems like a daily occurance for me, but not only do I not have the balls the finish myself off I truely dont want to. I want a family, a career, a life without the worries of the average struggling american adult. I.E.- I dont want to be my parents. I dont want to be a pack rat, a worrier, a stressed out, over weight, depressed person. I want to be in shape and happy with myself.
OK…so Im rambling about my wants and my thoughts, but I guess thats the best way to do it. Its cheaper to do it here than talk to a therapist, especially when a therapist wont do shit but talk back to you and tell you things you already know…or that I already know.
Im lonelly, where is that girl of my dreams that wants to settle down and have a family. Be a part time working woman with a sensative man that just wants to be held at night and supported in his endevors. Thats what I really want. I thought I found her, but she stopped talking to me. I was listening to Pandora a bit ago and Coldplay – Warning Signs came on and the words fit my feelings so well…”I miss you…oooohhhh…I miss you…” I hope she reads this and knows that I mean her. I wont name any names because if she knows, I hope she talks to me or calls or something.
I think I’m going to write a novel someday. Well two novels…
The first would be called the The Sane Ramblings of a Perfectly Insane IT Guy. Subtitle: Green Tee Shirt Staind Brown with the Blood of Thousands of Tiny Computers.
It would chronicle the life cycle of a poked and proded Network Administrtor that had no idea how to take over the world let alone keep control of the voices in his head. Daily fighting rabid customers and crashing networks while dragons try to infultrate his brain through the dust in the air…
Im not going to think that one through before it goes to a publisher so I can be horribly rejected by the literary community. Bah fuck the literary community all that matters is I sooth the spiraling tornado of thoughts in my head.
The second book will be a childrens story for parents, called Merry Go Rounds, Guitars Strings and Anti Depressents.
Villany has over powered a small village of people where the mayor is a self proclaimed rock star, the only doctor is a depressed midgit who collects cat tails and the local market is run by a crew of carnival workers that have escaped from a Noregeon loony bin. Comedy, Sarcasm and riffs in Harmonic Minor in the tune of drop G…
ok im done for the night. the majority of my insanity is now in binary, littering the black hole called the interweb. If you find this read it with sypathy because I dont know what will happen next which means neither do you!
Good night friends. well I hope we can be friends, except for the freaky short bald guy wearing leather pants and has a tattoo of carrott top on his ass – u can fuck off.