Posts Tagged ‘ single ’

Lost in the Echo

I life losing its appeal? Why do things seem to fall apart and disappoint all at once? The band is in turmoil again due to the ego and stupidity of our singer. School is a struggle everyday. I made the mistake of taking classes on campus this semester and it is causing a lot of stress between school and my work schedule. I am definitely looking forward to dropping my English class next week, I am way behind and don’t want to risk my GPA over an entry level class, I would rather redo it. I am thinking about changing my major as well and just going for the associates degree to start out. I will get my degree in networking and then start on my admin certs and the gen eds that I will need to get my bachelors. I am very burnt out. There is never time to relax unless I drop something…I still have the basement to work on at the house, the apartment to work on in Clinton, and the porch to turn into a bedroom for Tay in my apartment. Its not getting any warmer out so I better get started, soon. Then there is the lack of a woman in my life, enough said. Finally I have been sacrificing my time with Tay to try to catch up on work I don’t get done during the week, she is not getting any younger. For the first time she chose to not stay with me over the weekend. She said maybe next weekend. It hurts a little. I don’t love her any less but I miss her. It sucks that her mother decided to ban me from having anything to do with their family, but its life. I pay my child support, provide insurance for Tay, and spend as much time as schedules permit. Ohh well enough complaining. Tomorrow I have another interview with RHT & SMG we’ll see how it goes but Im not sure about the whole situation.

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Happy Alone Valentines Day

So I was looking forward to spending this Valentines day with someone special, but as usual I screwed it up again. I moved too fast for her. We are still friends but I think that’s about it. I will be alone again for V-Day, it shouldn’t be a big surprise though. I am trying to stay positive through the loneliness.

So the Chapter Ends and a New Chapter Begins

For the last few weeks I have been in a battle of wills with my mind, heart, feelings, and soul. I do not yet know the victor as the battle rages on. My heart belongs to a love that I threw away years ago. My feelings are tattered and torn. My mind befuddled by the actions of the aforementioned beings. Finally my soul cries in a corner, beaten and bloody from the anguish of my own undoing. I write these pages not to spill my thoughts upon paper, but to release my eternally burdened mind of thoughts that cannot be spoken aloud to the closest of my peers.

Twas a dark, cold night that I did hear the howling of fallen angels echoing between my ears. No other could hear the haunting cries as my ears did bleed and my eye doth cried. As I cowered in a corner chanting faint prayers beneath my breath. I felt warmth below my shirt pulsing inside my chest. A stream of light broke forth through the silky woven shirt and a calm fell upon my so unsettled mind. In that moment my conundrum seemed to vanish like a puff of smoke in the wind of early spring. My heart exposed and pulsing yet not bleeding a single drop. I stood and peered into a mirror my mouth agape and face pale. A small dove came forth from inside my very being singing songs of love and comfort while my eyes began to weep. I stared into that mirror as my heart the color of stone began to fade the slightest gray and then turn a sort of orange. It warmed the room with steady ease as it turned a healthy pink before transforming to a bold blood red as life began to shape. My vision cleared as silence fell when calm filled my gut. I walked about touching inside out my chest that had just split. Whole once more I burst out the door and ran for joy my life was again whole.

I write in stream of consciousness. It does not always make sense but I just let the words flow from my fingers to the keys.

I’m in the middle of a nasty break up and the realization that my daughter’s mother will never be able to love me again. Its been a little of 5 years since we were together but my heart still longs for her. She’s had it all this time and I don’t want her to give it back. I knew that I would never get her back, but part of me screams to never give up. Every woman I have been with since my daughter was born has just never been enough. They don’t meet my standard, whatever my standard is, I don’t know. I don’t have a heart to give to another woman and the woman that has it will never love me. I don’t know what to do, say, or whatever to change things. I have nothing more to say. I am a broken man and lost to all that I thought I was…

UPDATE:
i just told her the real reason she hurt me so bad
that while she was so busy digging up my past on a daily basis she dug up all the old feelings i have for my ex that were tucked away so nicely in their little coffin in my heart
and then she proceeded to pop each on like a baloon
in the middle of a childrens party
imagine watching your balloons get popped by the clown ur parents hired to entertain you
with a malicious grin on his face, laughing like he just beat a puppy and cooked a kitten in a microwave
she took whatever shred of love i had left to give and threw it back in my face

Exiting the Rabbit Hole

A twinge in my gut told me it was done. I found myself going over and over in my mind from day on to now. I am fine with this life and fine with how it ended. I pray that everything works out for her. I will be there for her as a friend and a confidant, though she won’t confide in me. I will endure my time and be happy again.

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” but also, the pain that endures for the sake of my friend will forever be the downfall of my ability to love without memory of another.

None may ever read what I write but it is written to be remembered if by no one but myself.