Posts Tagged ‘ Taylor ’

Lost in the Echo

I life losing its appeal? Why do things seem to fall apart and disappoint all at once? The band is in turmoil again due to the ego and stupidity of our singer. School is a struggle everyday. I made the mistake of taking classes on campus this semester and it is causing a lot of stress between school and my work schedule. I am definitely looking forward to dropping my English class next week, I am way behind and don’t want to risk my GPA over an entry level class, I would rather redo it. I am thinking about changing my major as well and just going for the associates degree to start out. I will get my degree in networking and then start on my admin certs and the gen eds that I will need to get my bachelors. I am very burnt out. There is never time to relax unless I drop something…I still have the basement to work on at the house, the apartment to work on in Clinton, and the porch to turn into a bedroom for Tay in my apartment. Its not getting any warmer out so I better get started, soon. Then there is the lack of a woman in my life, enough said. Finally I have been sacrificing my time with Tay to try to catch up on work I don’t get done during the week, she is not getting any younger. For the first time she chose to not stay with me over the weekend. She said maybe next weekend. It hurts a little. I don’t love her any less but I miss her. It sucks that her mother decided to ban me from having anything to do with their family, but its life. I pay my child support, provide insurance for Tay, and spend as much time as schedules permit. Ohh well enough complaining. Tomorrow I have another interview with RHT & SMG we’ll see how it goes but Im not sure about the whole situation.

Serenity

Over the past months I have been determined to make her love me and it just doesn’t work that way. I pampered and tried to impress. I begged and pleaded. I drove myself nuts denying the fact that I will never change her feelings. So I digress. I love her enough to let her go and live her life and be happy with whomever can fulfill her wants and desires. It makes me sad but I also realize that it will benefit both of us to be who we both need to be.

None of this affects how much I love my daughter. I live to help her grow and become a woman that will be happy tallented and successful as she ages and matures. She is only five but she shows the maturity far beyond her years. Except when she throws a fit because she doesn’t get what she wants, children will be children, and that is why I must love her unconditionally and train her to be a moral and well rounded woman.

I am sorry that I could not be the man that her mother could love. I threw that away years ago. I regret it but at the same time I don’t. I would not be the man I am now if I would have not gone through the hardships I have gone through over the course of my life. I thank all who have helped and hurt me over the course of my life, and I apologize to all of those I have hurt. No one should ever be treated the way I and so many other people have taken advantage of the ones closest to them, Leaving a trail of tears in their path.

I read a very sad story a couple days ago that made me think about my life in, not so much a new light, but think about those who I have affected over the course of my life and how I can change to make this world a better place and have a more positive effect on the people around me. Bill Zeller was just another man, but was harmed so horribly as a child he could not see the world around him or communicate with the people that could have changed his life. I pray that God would have mercy on his broken soul and give him peace in the afterlife. No one should ever have to endure a life as he did. I do not condone his actions but I do not know what I would have done in his situation.

http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

It is time to move on to a new chapter of life. I vow to be the father that will always love his children and be the one they will always love and respect. I pray that God will help heal my heart and be able to be a full devoted husband and lover to whomever He puts in my life in the future.

I plan on making my online journal much more active in 2011.

Protected: Contemplation of Words that Break My Heart

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